Man Loses 200 lbs By Only Eating Satire For An Entire Year
“It’s a super food,” says Tom Brady as he pulls leaves of satire from a stalk of the ridiculous with a practiced motion, throwing them in the blender along with a sugar […]
New Airport Security Scanner Rapidly Spins People Before Making Them Pin Tail On A Donkey
“Hahahahahahahahaha,” said the head of security for the Greater Toronto Airports Authority when asked what threat is being detected by the newest item of security equipment travelers encounter before boarding. “Ahhhhhhhahahahahaha. It’s […]
Kid In Minnesota Tells Parents He Too Wants To Be Above The Law When He Grows Up
Over dinner on Wednesday night, just as little Robby was pulling his sister over for turning left into the dining room during rush hour, his proud parents informed their guests that their […]
Just In Time, Scientists Announce They Have Isolated The ‘Asshole Gene’
Thousands of generations too late to save the millions of assholes who have walked on this earth, and the billions of people forced to live with them, scientists have today announced they […]
West End Liberal Extremely Interested In Opening Homeless Shelters In City’s East End
“Clearly there’s a homelessness crisis in the city,” says Joel Osteen, a homeowner in Toronto’s Bloor West Village, speaking at a recent town-hall meeting convened to protect local property prices from the […]
Canada’s Wonderland Ride Meant To Simulate Housing Market Closed Over Safety Concerns
A Canada’s Wonderland ride that has been building since the early 90’s, is now closed and its future uncertain after concerns were raised regarding the overall safety and integrity of the gravity-defying […]
Millions Of Irresponsible Families Throw Around Term ‘Best Dad Ever’ Without Doing Basic Research
Despite not having done even cursory levels of research, millions of families globally are, right this moment, recklessly bestowing the title of Best Dad Ever. A consortium of armchair experts agree this […]
Guns Save The Day, As Armed Citizens Catch Armed Escapees Who Shot Their Armed Guards
“Thank God those men were armed,” said Sheriff Polk of Peach County, Georgia, as he summarized the events that led to the recapture of two wanted criminals who escaped Tuesday by turning […]
Pair Who Just Met In Nightclub Make Reckless Plan To Stay Up Until The Trump Tweets
“Let’s party like it’s 2017,” the girl says, pulling a man with scented facial hair in by his borderline-ironic bow tie. “I want to stay up until the Trump tweets.” While many […]
Monaco Adopts Living Wage Of $850/hr
The Prince Of Monaco has declared that all those who are lucky enough to have been born in the 3 square meters that comprise the historic municipality he is charged with protecting […]
