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Mulcair Hopes This Weekend Canadians Will Finally Tell Him Who To Be

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George Clooney, not Mulcair. But he will be him if that is what a controlling minority of people imply they want.

“You don’t have to say it out loud,” says Tom Mulcair, embattled leader of the NDP, looking straight into the camera from his seat in a maroon coloured wingback chair that perfectly matches his turtleneck sweater (to the point that it’s hard to tell where one begins and the other ends), while holding a well-used fire poker in one hand. He is shooting a video address that was sent out internally today to all members of his party. “You can write it down on a piece of paper, or bathroom stall door, or name your cat after whatever it is you want me to be, don’t worry I am listening. Just tell me. Tell me please. Now. Quickly, before the conference. Who am I? Who do you want me to be? Where are we? Where should we go? Am I late?”

While critics have immediately pounced on this as further evidence of the NDP rudderlessness that saw the party go into a flat spin in the final weeks of last year’s election, circling like a fishing boat whose captain has lost his favourite hat, Mulcair calls this hogwash.

“Stuff and nonsense,” He says, making you want to hug him and smack him at the same time like he always does. “That’s how I got here, by reflecting people’s ideals back to them, but with more beard. And that’s what I’m going to keep on doing, listening to the people. And then repeating it back. All of it. Sort of like an unfiltered cold brew. People like those right?”

In response to the question of what happens if the people don’t want any more Mulcair, the man himself has a ready answer.

“I am prepared for that as well. If that is the case I will listen, carefully, to hear who the party members do want at the helm, and then legally change my name to be that person. My lawyers are standing by with the paperwork, all that remains is for everyone to decide who they need me to be.” Pressed for more details Mulcair disclosed that early reports have indicated there is a clear favourite amongst NDP party members as to who that person is. “So there is a better than even chance that by Monday you will all be calling me Justin Trudeau.”
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Categories: Featured, Politics

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