Breaking: In a hastily arranged press conference this afternoon, under a lean-to made of pine boughs, a spokesperson for the Canadian Association of Outdoor Education Teachers attempted to absolve the ambiguity in the oft-repeated advice every Canadian received as a child.
“When we told young students to stay in one place if they became lost, we meant physically, not spiritually. Additionally, that message was meant to apply only to the limited timeframe of a normal outdoor expedition, not the rest of your life.”
This news, and the certain chaos it will cause, comes on the heels of three independent, wide-reaching mall surveys, each of which discovered that a majority of respondents had stayed in one place expecting assitance from a higher authority or search party, in many cases for decades.
“Let me be clear,” CAOET spokesperson Alan Thicke continued, “no one is coming to find you. If you feel in need of rescue or deliverance from a loss that is felt rather than seen, you are going to have to help yourself. It’s possible you may need to leave your present location, that cannot be ruled out. In any event you are going to have to decide that for yourself, as you are on your own. Our association apologizes for any confusion our guidance may have caused in the years since most of you attended our survival programs. We thank you for your time.”