Wayne LaPierre, head of the National Rifle Association of People Who Willfully Defy Logic And Common Sense (NRA) wasted no time in releasing a statement in the aftermath of the shooting of Harambe, a western lowland gorilla killed at the Cincinnati Zoo to secure the safety of a young child who had fallen into his enclosure.
“I have said it before, and I will say it again. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people, and animals, and animals kill other animals and can be a threat to people but often are more afraid of you than you are of them.” Here he paused for some time to review his notes before continuing. “What I’m saying is that if that gorilla had been armed he would probably still be alive today.”
A chaotic flurry of questions erupted at this point, with the majority of reporters gathered clamoring for clarification as to the specific name and location of the planet Mr. LaPierre is living on. He refused to answer this directly, choosing instead to offer the signature NRA soundbite before exiting the low stage and presumably returning to his alternate universe:
“You can have our guns, when you pry them from our cold, dead hands. Or paws. Or claws. Or possibly even hooves.”