Through an access to information application that was randomly granted on Friday, likely by mistake, The Out And Abouter has exclusively learned that the sponge industry conducted studies as early as 1964, which showed that sponges can actually last weeks and months without making your drinking glasses smell like a jar of mayonnaise found in an undiscovered room in King Tut’s tomb, and do not naturally shed small bits of crap all over everything after only being in the sink for three and half minutes. In addition, and perhaps most troubling of all, the records show that the largest sponge manufacturers actively set about designing their products to fall apart upon contact with water, and smell so offensive that many people simply sold their homes rather than face their kitchen sinks.
“It would be like if someone sold you a phone designed to stop functioning after two years,” says Sponge Industry analyst Paul Swipe, “or a car that started to fall apart just as your warranty expired. No one would stand for that, so neither should they have to put up with these business practices when it comes to sponges. While they may seem like a small ticket item, when you have to use a pack of the things a week to keep from wanting to chop your hand off when you go to blow your nose after dishwashing, it quickly adds up.”
With mountains of evidence yet to be sifted through further revelations are expected in the coming weeks, but already the damage is being felt at the top with a number of executives resigning – ‘falling on their sponge,’ in industry parlance – and a class action lawsuit already being organized which could see everyone on earth receive upwards of $11.