Business

Microsoft Buys LinkedIn for 26 Billion Boredoms

In an unexpected break from their roots as a renegade trendsetter, Microsoft announced last week that they will be purchasing LinkedIn for half of all the boredoms in the continental United States.

“It is an extraordinary amount of snoozes,” admitted the techg giant’s CEO, Satya Nadella, holding a long blink while stifling a yawn. “But we decided that after the excitement of releasing yet another Windows platform last year, this time around we’d shake things up and spend our entire sleepsack on what we expect to become the parsley to our plain pasta dinner.”

The purchase, still to be approved by the Federal Nap Commission for compliance with anti-coma laws, is being compared by many to taking your sister to the prom, and as risky as buying a shirt from Brooks Brothers that doesn’t have a button-down collar.

“I mean, they didn’t even try it on first,” says Flint Westholm, tech guru for Techgurus. “These guys didn’t just throw out the rule book on this one, they read it cover to cover. Basically that company just bought a pair of loafers without tassels.”

The market reacted swiftly to the news with interest spiking at zero, a trend which continued through the end of the week. And with rumours rife over the weekend that Microsoft is run by people who write toaster manuals in their spare time, expect extreme lack of caring in shares through the start of trading Monday.

During a rousing party held at the company’s Redmond, Washington campus that ran until well past 2:30 PM last Monday, Nadella addressed his close-knit team. Speaking quietly over an instrumental version of ‘Danger Zone,’ he invoked strong imagery, telling those gathered that in the superhighways of the information age, Microsoft was the stretch of I-94 that runs straight across North Dakota. “Making our acquisition of LinkedIn a little like connecting that highway to a commercial park just outside of Bismarck, one that is probably going to get a T.G.I. Friday’s soon, or maybe even a Chotchkie’s.”

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