Sports

Phelps Now Just 78 Gold Coins Away From A Free Life


Not since a little known plumber from Italy ran ramshod across a slew of games in the late 20th century, has anyone else – athlete or tradesman – even approached the incredible feat of collecting 100 gold coins, thereby achieving the almost impossibly elusive honour of a 1-Up.

But after attending 5 Olympics in a storied career that has eclipsed all other efforts to date, Michael Phelps now stands just 78 gold medals short of becoming the first man without a moustache to find out what you can do with a free life. And he has already ruled out taking unnecessary risks trying to save princesses who aren’t interested in him.

“I think times have changed. The princess wasn’t just in another castle, I don’t think she really wanted saving to be honest.” Said Phelps, looking loose following another commanding water level session which, while boringly devoid of poisonous puffer fish, white squids that look like ghosts, and large piranhas that spit out lethal baby piranhas, was an exciting splash-about. “Not to take anything away from Mario, he was a great plumber who accomplished phenomenal things in the water, especially considering he was fully clothed, including a cap. I just think his methods were a little bit old school.”

While still less than a quarter of the way to the 100 total gold coins needed, teammate Ryan Lochte doesn’t think his long-time friend is finished just yet.

“Don’t count this guy out. He’s in incredible shape, and shows no signs of stopping. Is firepower a possibility? Yes. Could he catch a star and go on a coin rampage, or find a hidden tile to hit with his head for a whack of gold? Why not? At this stage all he really needs is a warp zone to a bonus level and you my friends are going to be seeing a lot more of Michael Phelps for the next 200 years.” Sensing a skeptical tone in the news conference in which he made this strange statement he ended on a defiant note: “Yeah. Put that in your speedo and goggle it.”

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