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Donald Trump Said To Be Considering Firing Donald Trump

“The guy’s a bum.” Trump says from his opulent apartment high above the streets of America. “He’s all talk, no substance. He’s the longest stand-up act you ever heard with no punchlines. It’s like some comedian got fed up arguing with a drunk heckler and just let him have the mic. For a year.”

He’s on a familiar train, but the track leads in a surprising new direction. Trump isn’t running down Obama, or the Pope, or a decorated prisoner of war. Not today. He’s talking about his own campaign and what ails it. Namely: The Donald.

“You know who he makes into millionaires? Billionaires buddy, he makes billionaires into millionaires. And the only thing he’s going to make great again is the Dane you’ll be wishing you had so you could say something in your life actually is. Because this guy doesn’t know ethics from calisthenics and trust you me he isn’t a fan of either. Picture him doing a burpee. Now picture him making a considered decision after having weighed up all the ramifications and removed his ego from the equation. Right. Impossible on both counts. It would literally kill him to do that. Either of them.”

Having parted ways with his political director in May, his campaign manager in June, and his campaign chairman just last week, there seems but one neck left for Trump to put under the guillotine. And it is orange. And jiggles a little when he laughs at his own jokes. And likes to bulge out over his collar in a slightly saggy roll that looks as though it would feel a lot like a powdered donut if you could touch it without anyone seeing.

Those close to Trump say he’s taken to telling himself off in meetings, in some instances for such minor infractions as forgetting to order the blue cheese dip with the hot wings, and then sending himself to get the sauce so that he can have a moment alone with the team to discuss what they’re going to do about ‘The Liarbility,’ as he’s taken to calling himself.

“It’s all very confusing.” One advisor confided on condition of anonymity. “Clearly he’s having a fairly major mental breakdown. What we’re all trying to figure out is who is going to win. Out of Trump and Trump that is. Obviously I’m not talking about the general election.”

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