Canada: Hold your head up high. Despite the Blue Jays losing an elimination game, at home, under a waning gibbous moon, with the Leafs likely to tank, the dollar continuing to slide, and Christmas decorations already having appeared in Shoppers Drug Mart, you did not lose your shit.
“Y’know, my first thought was to throw my tall boy at the cat, who of course hadn’t done anything wrong, but by unfortunate coincidence is called Francisco Lindor.” Says a Toronto-area man, Mike Rawlings. “But then I just stopped, took a deep breath, and remembered it’s just a game. Sure, if you take sports away from me, my life is an otherwise drab parade towards a lonely, penniless death, full of regret, with my final words most probably being, ‘give everything to good will, and if they don’t want it, well fuck,’ but you know what? That’s ok. Because that’s what they call an innings. Or a rain delay, or something.”
Millions of Canadians agree. With police, new’s cameras, CCTV, CSIS, and the no-fly list all poised to make the most out of any errant aluminum being hurled as the last ball fell into the glove of Cleveland’s square jawed first baseman Mike Napoli, early reports have indicated that all projectiles have been safely stowed in the appropriate receptacles.
“There were a few issues with people working out which bin was for paper and cardboard, which for plastic, and which for Blue Jays hats purchased in the last seven days by fair-weather fans, but other than that its been a pleasantly quiet night.” Said a spokesperson for the Toronto Police, though ending his statement on a strangely ambiguous note. “Better luck next year folks.”