Across the afterlife many notable souls have decried the rise of The Donald. Martin Luther King Jr. has reportedly begun giving ominous speeches that start with the words, “I have a nightmare.” And recent arrival Mohammed Ali has been lobbying to be allowed back into Life, as he’d like to tell Trump directly: “That if he even dreams of winning, he’d better wake up and apologize.”
For his part, Abraham Lincoln interrupted his haunting of Gettysburg while the Trump campaign visited that location, to avoid any possibility that an appearance by his ghost might be seen to be sanctioning the Trump candidacy. The 16th president later added, in an interview with Walter Cronkite that was broadcast dead on the CBS Eternal News, “Not only do I withhold my endorsement for that man as president, but indeed for his worthiness to share the breath of this nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.”
While generally unable to affect events, many of the dead we spoke to indicated that they intend to make their protest known by rotating in their graves, and are even taking early steps to do so should the worst happen.
Early suffragist, Susan B. Anthony, shouted up through six feet of upstate New York soil, a description of her preparations. “Portentously I didst remove my left femur, and have, at no small cost of pain and gnashing of teeth, relocated my pelvic region into a newly vertical aspect. Thus I am ready, at the first predictions of the galloping horsemen of CNN, to roll my cadaver in a manner most grievous.”
She added that she sincerely, and not just a little selfishly, hoped this would not be necessary. “My remnants have now remained immobile some 11 decades since being lowered into the ground, and I have truly tried, at times more successfully than others, to rest in peace. But should that swollen prostate of a man carry the day, rest assured, I will be raising a truly heinous clattering of bones.”