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Kevin O’Leary Close To Announcing He Also Grabs Pussy, Aides Say

***Satire***

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Kevin O’Leary is looking at his hands. “Do you think they’re a little large?” He asks a visitor to his office, high above an American city, as he considers running for the leadership of the Conservative Party of Canada. “I like how Donald’s hands kind of disappear into his sleeves. It’s mysterious, like a magician. And very Presidential. Or Prime Ministerial, or whatever we have up there.”

O’Leary is said to be on the cusp of throwing his ‘Make Canada Great Again’ hat into the Conservative leadership race, but admits he harbours concerns that he’s never been bankrupted, and has (so far) led a life generally free of grabbing women’s genitalia uninvited.

“It’s definitely a weak spot in my resume,” he admits, as he absently pulls hair from the back of his head forward, before catching himself and turning the motion into a stretch. “I know I’ve offended a significant amount of the Canadian electorate, the question is: have I offended enough to lead this once-great nation?”

Aides are working on it. O’Leary looks tired from regular alarms set for the dark hours of weekday nights, intended to wake him so he can compose tweets directed at a host of well-liked targets.

“Kevin’s main issue at the moment is his ability to stay on script,” Says Maryanne Codway, O’Leary’s newly secured assistant, and most likely person to be appointed campaign manager should the businessman enter the fray. “But we’re working on that, mostly through heavy sedation and word disassociation games. We’re also frantically trying to find compromising materials from his past, to help solidify fanatical support. He claims to have said, and done, extremely offensive things in his time. The question is, can we prove it?”

Back in his office, Kevin is practicing pouting and squinting while quietly repeating: “Dishonest media deftly does dubious deeds. Sad. Dishonest media deftly does dubious deeds. Sad.”

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