Concerned, But Not Wanting To Offend, Canada Quietly Plants Privacy Hedge Along Entire U.S. Border.


“And we’re happy to pay for it,” say a united front of Canadian premiers, national leaders, mayors, citizens, and casual acquaintances, of the newly planted hedge that has sprung up seemingly overnight, running unbroken for 6,416 kilometers, along the world’s longest undefended border.

“Sometimes the best way for neighbours to get along, is a little bit of privacy. Even in the winter. Even when you have to break frozen ground to get it. Even when your neighbour has spy satellites and a penchant for caching electronic communications. Even then, a hedge can’t hurt.”

A continuous growth of Cherry Laurel, the overnight hedge stands an average of two meters high, and is expected to grow to be at least double that by the end of Donald Trump’s first term, when a review of the green screen is planned. At that time the hedge will either be topped with barbed wire, or made into a tourist attraction by being trimmed to form a living storyboard of the Disney franchise.

“What we do with the hedge will depend entirely on what’s happening to the south,” says one hedge-funder, Jim Freedman, a pretty nice guy who just wants to be left alone, while giving this reporter a tour of the newly defined perimeter. “If our neighbours opt to renew the presidency of a man who encourages nuclear proliferation, doubts climate change, mocks civil rights leaders – and anyone else who disagrees with him – all via the most reductive social media platform available well,” here Jim pauses and looks skyward, above the flourishing living fence he helped to put in place, “I’m told this thing can reach forty feet within a decade or two.”

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209 replies »

  1. Hello, Canadian friends. I’ve always enjoyed my quick trips to the Pinery and Point Pelee and Windsor, and have found your colourful money magical (it disappears theatrically) and your friendly people intriguing (except for that time at the Blue Water Bridge.)

    Slightly off-topic, but since you share a border with New York, I thought I’d just throw this out there: Should New York change its state motto to “DON’T BLAME THE WHOLE STATE FOR DONALD TRUMP!” ?

    –A concerned Metro Detroiter (again)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well done mate. Fantastic idea. While the obstacles may well prove insurmountable, that doesn’t make our desire for a shrubbery that runs between our tongue and our cheek, any less. We’ve signed and shared in the name of semi-viral humour becoming a near-reality, everywhere.


  2. We (America) should build a tunnel from Mexico to Canada and see how they like it. Don’t dog people for not liking something when you haven’t tried it or know what it is like. I’ve lived in Southern Texas all my life and Mexico is a PITA for us down here.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love that idea. As long as you’re paying. I love the Mexican people, we already have a number of Mexican families who live in our area, many Canadians are already vacationing in Mexico instead of the US, and i’m sure most Canadians would welcome our new neighbours just like we’ve welcomed Syrian refugees. We expect that some Trump-like trolls will whine; like those who plague every country who don’t like anyone who doesn’t look or talk like they do. Thanks for the idea. Lol

      Liked by 1 person

      • JCon is hardly a troll! I also live in south Texas and I know what he/she is talking about. You folks up north have not had to deal with the overwhelming influx of illegal immigration, but it is starting to look like you will.


    • Maybe you need to do a search on illegal border crossings into Canada. This problem keeps growing since Trump took office…..Here is a link to one article….not a recent one though……We don’t need the tunnel you suggest….they walk right in from the US ….illegally.


  3. If the Canadians planted edible berry vines – like blackberry, raspberry, gooseberry etc well, that would be more secure as a hedge AND at some times of the year could provide food for any refuges fleeing from the south

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Canadians should be careful about planting a hedge. The Americans already had a ‘shrub’ as in George dubbyu and we don’t want to add to past screw-ups.


  5. Our friends the Bostonians
    Tell me your fears
    This Trump fella’s here for four more years
    But with luck and defections
    The mid-term elections
    Will be greeted with cheers and beers


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