Politics

Person From The Future Appears In Oval Office, Takes Away Trump’s Pen, Says ‘Final Warning,’ Disappears.

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It occurred as President Trump was preparing to sign yet another executive order late Sunday night, this one informing the earth it would no longer be allowed to spin without his express written consent, and to stop complaining about the temperature godammit.

The ‘visitor seen around the world,’ was captured by numerous media outlets as they solemnly stood by to witness the president scrawl another six-inch high signature on a contentious document. 

The entrance was made through a rift in the space time continuum, directly in front of the ornate woodwork of the Resolute desk, a fixture in the oval office of many presidents, and an artefact of a similar vintage to many of Trump’s views. 

Out of the rending of time, matter, and physics as we understand it, stepped a person of indeterminate gender. Serene of expression, not of any particular race but bearing characteristics of all, and standing over 9 feet tall, the visitor appeared purposeful but unrushed. 

The now widely-pored over images of the next few moments, clearly show ‘Future Person’ (as the visitor has been dubbed) taking one long stride towards the desk to stand over a flabbergasted Trump, who appears to be struggling to close his mouth. Future Person then removes Donald’s favourite pen from his hand, and glance around the room at those gathered. Secret Service agents have drawn their guns, Bannon is hiding behind a sofa, Conway has gone live, and Clint Eastwood (invited for lunch) is wishing his agent could get him roles like this.

It’s at this point that Future Person shakes their head slowly from side to side in the direction of the president, and tells the still-seated Trump, in a deep voice that fills the room and blows Donald’s combover back onto his shoulders, that this is his final warning. And then they are gone, stepping back through the rift in time as suddenly as they had come. In the last, and perhaps most pointed, oddity associated with the unprecedented event, all the windows in the office opened on their own as the time traveller departed, and the room filled with albino pigeons that either could not, or would not, land. Indeed, they seemed incapable of doing anything other than making a racket and shitting on everything. 

While the White House has yet to issue a formal statement on the extraordinary event, early reports are that Trump is mostly fixating on whether any other president has ever had a visitor from the future before him, just how far in the future this person was from; and arguing over how many people stepped through the rift in time this morning to see him, despite solid evidence that it was just one, and a rather displeased one at that.

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