Politics

The Queen Seen Practicing Clavicle Strike In Preparation For Trump’s Visit

nastymajesty***Satire***
Primal screams fill the usually muted environs of Buckingham Castle’s western greeting hall, as the Queen, in camouflage exercise tights, and a black sweatshirt with bold pink letters reading “Nasty Majesty,” works through her daily self-defence routine. The sovereign head of the United Kingdom is grimly preparing for an expected visit from Donald Trump later this year. And she is taking no chances.

“Clavicle smash with the edge of your hand, kick to the groin, knee to your orange assailant’s forehead. Walk away.” Connor McGregor claps his hands as he coaches the Queen, the UFC star’s Irish accent echoing in the gilded chambers. “That’s it. Swagger. Stalk around him. Fake a punch to Bannon, get him cringing. Good, now back to Trump. Stand over him like Ali. Make him wish he never ran for office, much less thought he could come over here and forget to read the protocols.”

While much of the United Kingdom has voiced it’s displeasure at the thought of Donald Trump paying an official visit, and getting within arm’s reach of her majesty, the Queen herself appears more than ready for the encounter. 

“It ain’t bragging if you can back it up.”

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Photo: Chris Jackson, Getty Images

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