Life

Environmental Scientists Advise Canadians Now Better Off Just Renting Ice Skates

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*** Satire***
The effects of climate change have now hit Canadians where it counts: the business of buying, selling, swapping, handing down, or forgetting you own, ice skates.

“At this stage, we are strongly recommending that everyone living south of the 60th parallel just rent their skates from here on in,” read the pertinent line of a press release made by a consensus of global climate change scientists. The release went on to discuss other incidentals such as glaciers calving icebergs the size of Vancouver Island, and hurricanes of an intensity requiring a force 6 designation, but the interest of the public seems firmly fixed on the advice against bothering to buy the popular winter recreational equipment.

“Well I wished I’d known that before I spent $150 on skates, for one very wet minute on the ice this year. I barely had time to take a selfie and post a trite thought.” Said one commenter in an online Canadian Tire forum that was lighting up with the epochal news.

In another worrying sign, Canadians have already been spotted shedding their winter coats, the earliest since records began to be kept. The scientists who witnessed the mass-disrobing, a team from the University of Wyoming, say that this many Canadians, losing their parkas this early in the year, is the continuation of a worrying trend also being driven by climate change.

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