In a historic press conference held this afternoon in Washington DC, a team of NASA administrators, scientists, and big-word translators, stated what humanity has long hoped to hear. And then a hard truth.
“We are not alone.” Said Thomas Zurbuchen, the assistant administrator in charge of Hard Thinking. But he made this monumental statement in a strangely solemn voice for the occasion. His next announcement explained why.
“But the newly discovered alien civilization doesn’t want anything to do with us. So really we are alone.”
Zurbuchen took a minute to compose himself before proceeding to explain, while a colleague rubbing his shoulder gently, that extraterrestrials had made contact with earth late last week. The message arrived via a single-use, advanced interstellar probe, which landed in the Nevada desert, logged into Twitter, made a single Tweet, and then self-destructed. The Tweet is as follows:
“Earthlings. We cannot welcome you to our planet until you can welcome each other on your own. Will review policy in 6 millennia. #EarthBan”
Zurbuchen opened the floor to questions, the first eleven of which were all versions of: Is this a joke?
“I wish it was. I assure you it is not.” The administrator responded, eleven times in a row. He then took a moment to consult his notes before offering his closing remarks to the waiting reporters, live TV and internet feeds, and an entire world hanging on his every word.
“And I guess that’s fair enough really.”