“He has been especially aggressive lately,” Jon Stuart, the head of White House Wildlife Rangers, admits as he peers carefully into a corner of the Oval Office. His eyes never leave a pair of twitching Italian loafers attached to two stout legs that dissapear under a large sofa, apparently belonging to Steve Bannon, senior adviser to President Trump.
Kneeling down and shining a bright, three-cell maglight under the couch, Stuart lets out a confirming exclamation.
“Yep. Look at those eyes. As cloudy as his policy directives. Usually they’re as clear as his motives. He’s close to shedding.”
Stuart and the rest of the White House Wildlife Association are excited about what will be the first skin shedding by a member of this White House administration, though far from the first in the greater DC area in general.
“It’s an incredible opportunity to witness the rare Stubbled Supremacist go through this process completely in the public eye,” Stuart declares as we quietly back out of the office, leaving a freshly thawed gerbil for Bannon to ingest should he require nutrients while transitioning. “Though we should caution that during this time he should be approached only with the utmost caution, and under no circumstances should anyone come between him and his scratching post.”
To the obvious next question, he responds, “Which is Donald Trump’s leg of course.”