“Yes, in retrospect John316 was a bit of an obvious password, I see that now,” Mike Pence admitted to his pastor in an emergency prayer session the United States Vice President called Friday morning, in the wake of reports coming to light that claim he owes Hillary Clinton a very big apology. “But while I’m not usually one to pass the buck, I will say this: God knows this isn’t my fault. Because it’s his.”
Reeling from allegations that he still has an AOL account, there were signs of a rift forming between Pence – usually a stalwart defender of a white male god who spends most of his time telling women what to do and exhorting for tax breaks – and his right hand deity. At one point, while the pastor took a call from Tim Tebow (apparently having a crisis of faith as he continues to struggle to hit the curveball in spring training) Pence began having a heated conversation with a potted plant in the corner of his office.
“Look, I fulfilled my part of the deal. I layethed down in the green pastures, just like you asked, even though we were in the middle of the fairway at that point. And in exchange I assumed that naming you my shepherd would be an encompassing term, inclusive of my IT security needs. No, I just assumed. Yes, I am upset, I’m being hung out to dry here. People are saying I have to say sorry to Hillary for God’s sake. No, just a figure of speech, I know you don’t care. But help me out here goddammit! Not you, that was a small g. You know I don’t feel like you’re really paying attention here. Ok. Sorry. I’m listening. Uh-huh. Yes, that’s good advice.”
The pastor, having just returned to the room, asked what advice Pence was referring to.
“God says I need to stop talking to the potted plant. And lose the AOL account. And I’m going to need three bulls and an altar.”