“I think you’ll find most oligarchs are solid neighbours with great family values and an eye for tasteful displays of gross opulence.” Says Janine Jeffries, the top-selling Toronto realtor in 2016, while showing a recently listed recycling bin with a cracked lid for $2 million, calling it a great investment that can only improve with time. “There’s only so many recycling bins on this street, I’d get in now before they climb to unaffordable levels.”
With fewer and fewer and fewer actual people who do actual work being able to live in actual homes in the city, Toronto realtors have shifted their focus to new markets.
“We find that in places like Shanghai, where having a home with more than one window means your spare car is likely a Bentley, the idea of owning a yard large enough to never have to see your mother-in-law, is viewed as the ultimate in luxury.” Jeffries adds, returning a follow-up call while parasailing behind her motor yacht off the coast of Grand Turk.
“And in Moscow, the notion that in Canada you can call the Prime Minister a liar and not have to scan your toothbrush for skin-melting levels of radiation, is extremely attractive. So no. I don’t think the Toronto housing market is a bubble. Just let me know when you want to move on that recycling bin. We had a number of over-asking offers last night, but I held out for you as I knew that if you missed out, you might never get in.” Seconds after we hang up a text message comes through from Janine. “Вы дремаете, вы можете жить в Садбери!” Research later revealed this to be an old Russian saying that translates as: “You snooze you get to live in Sudbury!”