Politics

Kellie Leitch Says She Thought ‘Rise Canada’ Was A Morning Show, And ‘Racist’ A Random Collection Of Meaningless Letters

Leitched***Satire***
“Yes, I was surprised there weren’t any calisthenics, chirpy interviews of local wildlife, or eating of scrambled eggs and salmon.” Kellie Leitch has now said, having been pressed to explain her recent meeting with a group known as Rise Canada, which advertise themselves as the last thing stopping Canada from its rapid descent into becoming a free and welcoming society. 

“Frankly I was a little embarrassed to have shown up in my usual early morning attire of a power suit and pearls. I quickly realized I was underdressed for a meeting with a group of very angry people who aren’t racists.” Leitch then launched into a lengthy discourse on the etymology of the word racist, eventually concluding that it is actually just a completely random assortment of six letters totally unrelated to each other that could mean any thing you want them to as long as it doesn’t stop the spittle from rolling down your chin as you scream your fear of the Other into the void. 

“Look,” Leitch oddly concluded, “We all want to return to the womb. But we can’t. Fact one. Fact two? Islamism holds different values from most Canadians – but not necessarily from Muslim Canadians, they’ll have to pass a test to prove that. And if you focus hard enough on that second fact – and caveat – you can forget all about the womb, and your car payments, and your son who won’t speak to you, and the CBC’s infernal tolerance for everything, and become a singularity of fear and anger. And that, to me, is what this country is all about. Why else does everyone cheer the loudest for the fights at a hockey game?” She then abruptly excused herself, saying she was late for a game of word disassociation with Ezra Levant.

 “Straight-shooter.” She added, over her shoulder, apparently already playing. 

 

Photo: Chris Wattie/Reuters

 

 

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