“And we will henceforward be known as North-of-North America. Or NON-America, to use the popular short form,” Says John Candy Jr., head of the Canadian Centre For Centre Being Spelled Centre Not Center Do You Want To Fight About It Neighbour? Or CCFU for short.
Candy Jr. explains that while the slights and insults emanating from south of the border have been building for a while, the last straw – and one that inspired his radical idea to terraform the border – came recently.
“Y’know, I don’t mind a bit of jawing back and forth with the old yankee-doodles, get me right. But when that cut-off-my-crusts-and-give-me-my-milk-in-a-blue-sippy-cup tangerine president of theirs started mouthing off about Canada’s finest bovines, that really irked my udder. And then when that mug from Minnesota, Mats Niskanen, nearly ended the career of Sidney Crosby-Of-The-Immaculate-Conception this week, well I started thinking ‘by Gretzky maybe it’s time we just left this here landmass entirely.'”
Saying that he is in fact aware of how plate tectonics work, and does understand there are formal distinctions as to what constitutes a continent, Candy has just one word: “Australia.” He nods emphatically, his reddish beard curling in excitement. “That’s right. Ah-frickin-Stralia. Bunch of upside-down wizards those guys. They’ve got their own continent all to themselves, and look how happy and tanned and good at swimming they are.”
Inspired, Candy and his cohorts at CCFU began a GoFundMe to create NON-America. In it’s first five minutes the site raised over $500 million Canadian dollars, had 50,000 teenage sons and daughters pledged by their parents to help with the digging over the coming summer break, and spawned a vociferous online debate about whether the project should be called ‘Ditch The Donald,’ or simply ‘Diggin’ Out.’
“The whole thing to remember here is we don’t have to go far,” Candy says, as he directs one of the hundreds of survey teams now fanning out across Canada to demarcate where the diggers will break earth. “My calculations show the ditch only has to be about a decimetre wide to adequately confuse everyone south of the border into leaving us the hell alone.”