Saying that no family should have to live through the horrors of deciding whether to purchase a new yacht or a second home in Vail, Republicans moved decisively on Thursday to secure the future of a long-ignored and overlooked segment of the United States population: the exorbitantly wealthy.
“The stress of wondering where your next tax break is going to come from,” Paul Ryan began before breaking off, tearing up as he pictured the horrors of theoretically paying full taxes, before bravely continuing, “Cannot be pictured by those of us who don’t have to live on the mean streets of Park Avenue. No American should exist in this sort of uncertainty, not knowing if they might have to lay off the chauffeur, or if their kids will get into university if they can’t find a way to bequeath a new gymnasium.”
Once his game of Snake was finished (‘New high score,’ he announced to applause from the GOP, and eye-rolls from the Dems) Donald Trump enthusiastically agreed with Speaker Ryan.
“Look. Look. Look. Are you looking? This country, which country, who said that, I’m talking here, was founded on the premise that if a few people can secure most of the resources using force and unintelligible legal gambits while wearing odd hats, they can then do whatever the hell they want. True fact. This is what I was raised to believe, it’s what you were raised to believe I was raised to believe, and yes, I believe in life after love. Cher is a very good friend of mine. Good friend. Also loves aircraft carriers. Who doesn’t love an aircraft carrier. No one said this would be easy. I thought it would be easier.”
Across the greatest nation currently still working hard at becoming great again, reactions were divided along understandable lines. The minuscule actual number of ultra-wealthy people who will benefit from the tax cuts to the American Health Care Act, were so relieved they immediately went out and continued living lives free of concern from major calamity or healthcare crisis. While the feelings of the rest of the nation of 321 million people who would prefer to not have their finances ruined by an ingrown toenail, could effectively be summed up by Susie Sheila from St. Louis:
“Are you fucking kidding me?”