A call that was meant to be a cordial congratulations from the loser of the popular vote in the U.S., to the winner of popular vote in France, almost immediately descended into disarray on Sunday when it became clear that Macron intended to show off his knowledge of English by using words with more than one syllable.
“Manny. Manny. Manny! Slow down hombre,” Trump was forced to interject less than twenty seconds into the important phone call, “I don’t speak French for Chrissake. Oh. Really? That was English? Are you sure? Well no need to laugh, I haven’t heard most of those words before is all.” Here he put his hand over the phone and asked someone to go get him that book with the words in it.
“A dictionary?” one aide asked, trying to clarify.
Trump looked blankly back, like someone from the pre-industrialized age being asked if they like Nespresso.
“Maybe a thesaurus?” The aide tried again. “Is that what you want?”
“No! Maybe. I don’t know,” Trump said, snapping back into the room, “Just get me the word book, pronto, the one that translates English to English. This French guy knows his shit, and he’s talking circles around me.”
By the time the aide returned, having hurriedly taped together the English sections from an English-to-French and a French-to-English dictionary, Trump was sweating profusely. He had filled a post-it pad with three-letter words in an apparent in a attempt to take notes (‘Sad, Bad, Huh?, Who?, Mad, etc) and was doing his best to wrap things up.
“Well it’s been great speaking to you Macron, really a blast. You sure know a lot of words,” Trump said, holding the phone a few inches from his ear, as though afraid intelligence and reason could be contagious. “Yes, yes, yes, I promise we can be ‘co’ whatever-you-wants. Laborators, laboratories, chocolate labs, all good with me, thats great, yes thanks, mercredi, it’s been great chatting. Mercredi, mercredi, muchos mercredis.” He finally hung up, and after pausing for a moment to wipe the sweat off his forehead said to his gathered team, “Don’t ever let that man come to Washington. He talks like a goddamn phone book or something.”