Politics

Ivanka Trump Seen Dragging Father Between Ceremonies, As President Misses Nap For Third Day In A Row

Pulling against the limp arm of a screaming Donald Trump, lying in the middle of the concourse leading to the Israel Museum while writhing on the ground and refusing a snack pack despite it being mango flavoured – usually his favourite – Ivanka Trump does her best to move the floundering weight of her irate father, the president of the United States.

“Dad. Dad! Get up,” she says as the secret service stand helplessly by, eventually opting to secure the perimeter and just be glad they don’t have any presidents going through the terrible second-hundred-days themselves. “Get up or you won’t get to watch Hannity later. I mean it. Get up right now Dad! C’mon. Why can’t you be more like Bannon? Look how good he’s being.” A few feet away Steve Bannon stands, staring at the rooftops of Bethlehem, his face oddly expressionless, though when Ivanka turns back to her tantruming charge he takes the opportunity to stick his tongue out at the president. 

The rigorous schedule of the president’s overseas tour appears to have caught up with The Donald, who has repeatedly missed his nap, and a number of times had to try eating things that aren’t steak or ketchup. Now, midway through day four, he has reached breaking point. While hard to make out exactly what his complaints are through the angry sobs and screams, Trump’s main desire seems to be to go home, as indicated by his repeatedly screaming the words: “Mar. Ahhhh. Lagoooooooo.”

It is impossible to say how much longer the embarrassing stand-off would have lasted were it not for the arrival Uncle Bibi, just as the world’s press were beginning to become aware of the situation. 

Scooping the president up in his arms, the Israeli Prime Minister shoved a platter of date rolls into the president’s arms to snack on, and quickly began singing The Wheels On The Bus,” a favourite of Mr. Trump’s, who sheepishly dried his tears in time to chime in.

“The driver on the Ultimate Deal says, ‘Move your land, move your land, move your land. The driver on the Ultimate Deal says, ‘Move your land,’ all through the West Bank.”

 

 

 

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