In a private audience today between Justin Trudeau and the Pope, the leader of the Catholic church – and direct conduit to an increasingly old, reclusive God – regretfully informed the Canadian Prime Minster that he is unable to offer absolvement for the cardinal sin of making Canadians mad.
The meeting was held in a small, but ornately decorated room, known as the ‘Sinner’s Chambers.’ The official Vatican guide explains this room was constructed entirely out of the collected and calcified tears of leaders who wished they hadn’t promised to change the first-past-the-post system.
In the culminating moment of Trudeau’s long pilgrimage by private jet to the Vatican, the Pope took the Prime Minister’s hands in his own, looked deeply into the young leader’s eyes, wished he still had his hair too, and then explained Trudeau is up a theological shit creek on this one.
“My son, I am grateful to you for coming here with a repentant heart, and for not being a giant ass like that blond guy who was here last week. What a weirdo. And I would like to help you, really I would. But I’m afraid I cannot.” Here he paused and sighed deeply before continuing. “The Lord, as you know, forgives all things. Canadians on the other hand…”