Thousands of generations too late to save the millions of assholes who have walked on this earth, and the billions of people forced to live with them, scientists have today announced they have successfully isolated the infamous but elusive ‘Asshole Gene.’ It is hoped this may yet save our species from treating each other like garbage until there is nothing left.
“It took a chain of super computers ten years of analyzing a single strand of Donald Trump’s hair,” an exhausted but triumphant Dr. Zeus, lead researcher at the esteemed DeVry Institute of Technology, “And then cross-referencing those results with samples taken from the exhumed remains of Christopher Columbus, Thomas Edison, Richard Nixon, and a toenail clipping from Martin Shkreli. But, ultimately, through cooperation and a linear team-leadership structure based on mutual respect, we were successful.”
After much cheering and applause, Dr. Zeus cautioned that this was only one small step in the global campaign to eradicate assholery.
“Unfortunately the condition is extremely widespread. Our estimates are that this gene appears in over half the population, and has the unique ability to activate any time the carrier is put behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, or keyboard connected to the world wide web.”
Moving forward, the team expressed hope that someday an in utero inoculation might be available. Until then, Dr. Zeus suggested that while everyone should undergo testing for the gene, simply asking those around you if you are an asshole will render a 99% accurate diagnosis.
“If this proves to be the case, I would recommend trying to stop being one. And while you work on that, limiting your time spent behind the wheel or online.”