“Hahahahahahahahaha,” said the head of security for the Greater Toronto Airports Authority when asked what threat is being detected by the newest item of security equipment travelers encounter before boarding. “Ahhhhhhhahahahahaha. It’s intended to, well it’s, ahhhh, extremely hilarious, I mean important, I ahhahahah, I’m not authorized to say anything further.”
The new machines were simultaneously unveiled at a number of airports across North America this morning, and were immediately put into service entertaining bored security personnel by rapidly spinning travelers of all shapes and sizes, and then releasing them to try to pin a tail on a picture of a donkey posted on a distant wall.
“Oh. My. God. Best day ever,” said one woman manning an x-ray scanner. “That lady that ate it when she fell over the trolley full of trays? Hahahahahaha. And then that old guy who had to lie down for 45 minutes he was so dizzy, causing him to miss his flight? The look on his face!!”
While the precise reason for the machines remains classified, an anonymous source within the TSA did note that with lines longer, guards happier, and travelers incensed, there wasn’t much not to like.