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Canada Puts Finishing Touches On Lavish Celebrations Marking 150 Years Without Donald Trump

Canada-Day-Celebrations-Parliament-Hill-Ottawa
***Satire***

“Upwards of 40 million people,” Peter Mansbridge says as he gently moisturizes his beautiful head in the large, all-pine bathroom of the log palace he calls home. “That’s how many people we’re expecting, nationwide, for our ‘Thank God We Don’t Have Donald’ celebrations.” He confirms that this is more than the population of our nation, and explains many Canadians are opening their doors to family and friends from America to partake in the Donald-free day.

Just because he’s Peter, the Canadian icon has given The Out And Abouter unfettered access to a behind-the-scenes look at the lavish celebrations planned to marker an entire century and a half without a total asshole in charge.

“Sure, we’ve had a few dud Prime Ministers,” says The Mansbridge, obtusely alluding to some of the less popular PMs that have occupied Parliament Hill, “But if there is anything that the last six months have taught us here in Canada, it’s that we’ve actually had it pretty good all these years.”

As we arrive at Parliament Hill in a beaver-powered limousine, the only extended version of the popular car, and one that was custom made for Peter, he gestures expansively to the main lawn. “This is where 2 million people will join hands in a giant circle of thanks that no one is trying to turn our healthcare system into a tax break, while a flock of trained Canadian Geese circle overhead honking ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want,’ by the Rolling Stones. Really looking forward to that.”

The venerated CBC frontman goes on to explain that live feeds have been set up to broadcast the Ottawa ceremonies to a number of locations across Canada, allowing celebrants to congregate together and enjoy watching Justin Trudeau give a speech that will not make anyone feel at all unwelcome, or threatened with deportation, or generally maligned against because of their religion, sexuality, or political viewpoint.

“Additionally, the Prime Minister has already promised not to turn this important day into an opportunity to air petty grievances or publicly laud himself. Which you would think would be a given, but again: Donald Trump. Amirite?” At this juncture Peter, a visiting reporter, and the beavers, all share a few minutes of dramatic eye-rolling.

Addressing concerns that the national day was being turned into more of a jibe at the least-popular, least-competent, most irritating president the United States has ever had, Peter says: 

“Of course we can be, and should be, proud of what we are as Canadians. But just as importantly, and perhaps even more so in the current global climate, we also need to celebrate what we are not.”


While Trudeau isn’t expected to directly address the American president in his Canada Day speech, during our tour Mansbridge did reveal that the Canadian PM is planning to wear another special pair of his now-trademark loud socks. These ones are reportedly pink, made of wool, and display the simple message: #resist. 

 

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