“Mom’s getting ice cream,” George tells his sister as he runs past her in the cereal aisle, on his way to secure a lane at the check-out by whatever means necessary. Mary drops the cocoa puffs, judo rolls out to the parking lot, and begins stopping traffic in all directions. Seconds later their mother emerges from the store at a full sprint, umbrella up against the noon heat, a towel wrapped around the ice cream as though she’s just rescued it from a fire and will now just have to raise it herself. Sadly, despite these efforts, the doomed dessert is already beginning to frost on the outside.
“You drive,” the mother says to nine-year-old George, flipping him the keys as she dives head first through the side door of their mini-van, “If this goes bad I may have to scoop the soft bits from the top. I don’t want you kids to have to see that.”
96% of all traffic accidents in the month of June involved melting desserts, or melting dessert products, says Police Constable Robbins, spokesperson for the newly created Ice Cream Headache, a Toronto Police Service task force attempting to put the issue back on ice.
“You heard me. Ninety-six percent. Of all the accidents. This is extremely frustrating for those of us in the business of law enforcement. I literally scream,” says the spokesperson, staring straight into the cameras of the gathered media, “For ice cream. I have nothing further to say at this time.”
With frequent road blocks planned outside of grocery stores across the city in the coming weeks, police warn they will be checking that all ice creams are safely secured and no motorists are driving under the influence of an overwhelming fear their Häagen-Dazs won’t make it home in a solid state.
“Seriously people, it’s just ice cream,” says Police Chief Saunders. “It’s not worth it. Unless its Kawartha Dairy’s Moose Tracks, in which case red lights are optional.