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In Speech Today, Trump To Question Whether West Has The Will To Survive His Presidency

trump confused 2In a speech to be given today in Warsaw, Poland, Donald Trump plans to pose what he feels is the defining question of our time: Did you see him in The Apprentice? Because he was great. Saved the network. You should watch it. Also, the west is in serious danger.

“We are at a crossroads people. That is a place where roads cross, one leading somewhere good, Manhattan maybe, one leading somewhere very bad, possibly Detroit, or maybe Guadalajara, which is lawless. And whether we go left, or whether we go right, or whether we turn the car around and go back to where Barack picked us up and just get out and wander about, is up to you. And me. Mostly me. Did I mention I’m driving?” At this point Trump has built in a thirty-second pause to allow the Polish translators to catch up, and for him to make car noises while simulating burnouts on the dais.  

The speech, which is estimated will take between three and forty-seven minutes to complete, is expected to usher in a new approach in Trump’s war on the future, in which he plans to assail the threat of bureaucracy, globalism, and the very real worry that one day a man won’t be able to grab anyone by the anything without it being a big deal. Segue to deals.

“Deals. Deals. Deals. Let’s. Make. A. Deal.” He will intone, like a carnival auctioneer found sleep-walking around the minimum-security prison he’s called home ever since being sentenced for fraud and embezzlement. “I have the deals. The best deals. No ideals, just deals. And repeals. Hopefully those too, I’m working on it, but its very complicated stuff, you wouldn’t understand.”

In addition, Trump plans to ask if the west, as we know it, can survive his presidency. “I don’t know,” he will respond to his own question. “Who’s asking? That’s a weird question. The west is the best, the east is the least. Everyone knows that. I just made that up, isn’t that great? The t-shirts are going to sell like hotcakes. Don’t forget to visit the merchandise counter on your way out you guys have been great thank you Warsaw.” 

He is there all week. 

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