Sports

Federer Assures He Isn’t A Robot While Drinking Post-Match Can Of WD-40 And Practicing Laughter

“Ah. Ha. Ha. Ha,” the best men’s tennis player of a generation responds when asked why there is a grease nipple on the inside of each of his elbows, his unblinking eyes wearing into the interviewer like brown lasers set to win. “Next. Question. Buddy.”

Roger Federer has just dispatched the Canadian power server and all -around ‘good-looking guy,’ Milos Raonic, in straight sets while barely breaking a condensation on his expansion valve. Which is normal for RF2101, or ‘Roger’ to his friends and fans.

While many in his camp point to his past injuries, arm hair, and the fact that he doesn’t win all of the time (neither did the T-1000 in Terminator) as evidence Federer is at least partially human, others on the men’s tennis tour feel that Roger’s supposed fallibility is all part of the guise.

“If he won all the time, had arms as smooth as Michael Chang’s, and was caught practicing serves naked in the middle of a Swiss blizzard because he forgot that people are supposed to feel the cold, well then the gig would be up wouldn’t it?” Said one observer who used to play tennis, has a fierce temper, is now a tennis commentator for the BBC, and asked to remain anonymous.

“Sure his laugh has come along,” McEnroe added, before reminding a reporter that he would stuff a tennis ball canister up their Out And Abouter if they published his name, “But no one is that good, not even me in 1984. And don’t go making that tired old excuse that he’s just Swiss. The man keeps cans of WD-40 in the fridge, sleeps standing up with his eyes open, and rusts after a decent rain delay. And have you ever seen him dance? It’s like watching an umbrella try to fold itself in a stiff breeze. But don’t get me wrong, he’s great. In the same way my dishwasher is great.”

 

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