“Never heard of him,” says Sean Spicer, when asked what happens next for Sean Spicer. “How many times do I have to tell you guys? My name is Braun Spyder. I am the White House fumigator. I took a wrong turn in the West Wing. I ended up at this lectern for the worst 6 months of my life, and now I am going to disappear in a cloud of bug spray. Ok? Ok? Get it straight people. Nothing is as it appears. That’s basic journalism. C’mon.”
Spicey, who today resigned from his position as Whisperer of Things in Bushes And Denier in Chief, was in classic form as he elegantly do-si-doed reality as we objectively know it, distancing himself from himself.
While the scuttlebutt around DC was that both the Flat Earth Society and Hare Krishnas had expressed immediate interest in courting the suddenly unemployed spokesman, Spicer wouldn’t answer to his own name, much less address these rumours directly. In a short press conference which appeared to mostly serve as a ploy to buy time to allow technicians to install Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ power source and boot her up from disk, Spicer took no questions, and ended things as strangely as it all started six months and forever ago: with an odd and meandering monologue about the vagaries of facts.
“What is real? What isn’t? Who is Sean of the Spicers? Who are any of us really? Imagine all the people. Do you really want to live forever? Forever young. Forever young people. Lighters up folks, lighters up. This is Spicey, I mean Spydey, signing off.”