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Judge In Shkreli Case Looking Forward To Inflating Sentence By 5500%

Facing a life sentence of having to live with being Martin Shkreli, Martin Shkreli was today found guilty of being unrepentantly Martin Shkreli. 

The walking, talking slap-magnet – who made a fortune through a variety of dubious means, the most ironic of which was precipitously raising the price on an anti-parasitic drug that still didn’t protect anyone from him – seemed unconcerned when asked if he is concerned about facing jail time.

“Having succeeded in ways mere mortals, hindered by their mere morals, could never dream of, I am sure I will again succeed here. Expect to continue seeing me walk the world as a free man, clothed in my resplendent robe of unchecked assholery.”

“Maximum sentence is 20 years,” NY district judge Kiyo Matsumoto, sitting judge on the case against Shkreli, was heard to mutter to herself as she departed her chambers late Friday night. “Inflate that by a factor of 55…carry the one, throw away the key…yep, that should do it. Can’t wait to hear how he finds the realities of supply and demand behind bars.”

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