Science

Whale Running Out Of Ways To Tell Humans To Fuck Off

Whale-Watching-Hervey-Bay

Many whales express frustration that their angrily raised middle fingers are commonly mistaken for waving. 

“I’ve tried jumping, I’ve tried splashing, I’ve tried waving my tail,” says a large female humpback whale just west of Cape Cod, as she desperately tries to outrun an armada of tourists boats full of people who can’t take a fucking hint. “I’ve even tried sighing loudly and repeatedly from the top of my head. And yet.” 

As summer descends on ports around North America, eager bi-pedals with opposable thumbs hand over piles of paper for the privilege of being bounced across the ocean to annoy the bejesus out of some of the world’s largest mammals. 

“Just imagine it from a human perspective,” says the same humpback, whose name loosely translates as: Leave Me Alone. “You’re sitting with your children in the backyard, happily enjoying a summer’s day, when suddenly multiple aquariums full of crabs or some such, pull in through the gate. Once their done repeating their damn selves a million times, and you quietly try to slip away, they begin following you around your yard. You wave your hands at them. They take a picture. You kick at them. Picture. You hold your breath and lie in the grass for twenty minutes, and when you open your eyes? Picture. So you defecate near them. Picture, picture, picture.”

Leave Me sighs loudly from her skull and looks balefully towards the horizon. When she’s sure her calves aren’t listening she quietly confides that, “Its enough to make you want to beach yourself. But the hairy little bastards won’t even let you do that in peace.”

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