“The guy is a lunatic. He’s dangerous, He’s out of control, and he’s a fool if he think he can go up against this great nation and come away without being reduced to rubble. He needs to check himself before he wrecks himself,” said both Donald J. Trump And Kim Jong-un, in separately released yet completely identical statements today, revealing that bombast (and an affinity for Ice Cube’s Predator album) are more universal than previously believed.
Newly appointed UN chief negotiator Raffi outlined some of the similarities of the leaders of the United States and North Korea, as well as challenges he faces as he attempts to unite the world through oddly catchy children’s music.
“Both were ruined for life by their fathers. Both appeal to their base by claiming the outside world is out to get them. Both take the curling wave of a tidal bore as inspiration for their hairstyle. Both have itchy trigger fingers. And while I don’t know either man personally, I must say they both seem like real assholes. Yes that is the first time I have ever used that word. Also: it feels good.”
The crucial difference being noted between the two examples of how much absolute privilege can screw you up, is that while one is capable of causing chaos and destruction, the other is a reality TV star in charge of the world’s largest nuclear stockpile. And he’s not afraid to tweet it.
“Come and say that to my face. Come and say that to my face. You heard me. I said say that to my face. This fucking guy. This fucking guy. I tell you. Come and say that to my face.” Said both leaders, again, simultaneously.
Quick to intervene, as this article went to press, Raffi was busying himself cutting up apples for the two men, and explaining the foundational concept of sharing – and also of caring, and the intersectionality of the two altruisms – whilst desperately singing Baby Beluga and ordering supplies for his underground bunker on Amazon. Prime.