Things got awkward at the White House early Monday morning, as chief strategist Steve Bannon – the first tumour in history to achieve self-propulsion – stumbled upon Donald Trump wearing a black robe and standing in front of an altar with a sign saying: “Bannon lies here, slice from right to left.” John Kelly was reportedly witnessed showing the president the appropriate cutting angles a U.S. Marine bayonet works best with.
Recounting the odd incident, Bannon admits his first thought was, “Why the hell isn’t Donald in that nice white robe I gave him? The one with the hood?”
But, he says, he quickly realized this was a rehearsal for his own sacrifice during next Monday’s total solar eclipse – the ironic timing of which is expected/hoped to never be witnessed again in our lifetimes. And that was when things got awkward.
“I said, ‘Donald, how could you?'” Bannon says tearfully, vodka running down his cheeks as he shovels a handful of cigarettes into his mouth. “After all we’ve been through, and just as we’re on the cusp of repeating all of history’s greatest mistakes? To sacrifice me in some sort of druidic appeal to the gods of equality, whose voices are now heard clamouring for my (very thinned) blood from all corners of the Mainstream Of Media? Forsooth!”
A visibly upset Bannon then descended into a mostly-unintelligible rant, the lucid parts of which centred on the fact that he would not go quietly and would not wear a loin-cloth – no matter how much that would nauseate his critics.
Rant over, the founder of legitimized racism, and chief proponent of open-carry hatred, stormed off to his new office in a little-used vending machine in the west wing. But not before issuing an ominous warning of his own.
“It doesn’t matter if they sacrifice me anyway. I have, of course, already metastasized.”