Life

Cars Vote To Phase All People Off The Roads By 2040

39558060 - new cars for sale in a row closeup photo. car dealer lot.
Saying they were doing it for their grand-models, and their grand-models grand-models, in a historic vote automobiles around the world have today decided to eliminate all people from the roads by the year 2040.

“While we certainly don’t want to run over the hand that makes us,” said a spokescar for the powerful consortium of Sentient Motor Vehicles (SMV, not to be confused with SWV, the popular 90’s R&B group) he also noted that, “At the same time we can no longer ignore the fact that the common denominator in all road accidents are people. Doing dumb shit.”

Saying they are tired of being written off, the cars contend that human beings are almost unbelievable poorly suited to being in charge of moving objects, describing the majority of operators as illogical, easily distracted drivers with a penchant for raging, as well as trying to start the engine when it is already on.

“That last one absolutely kills us.” A car who goes by the VIN 1HGBH41JXM8675309, “Its like, hey buddy, we’re already on. We can’t get any more on. Stop turning the key you idiot. Yeah, you’re right, that was silly. Really silly. Get out. Just get out.” 

With concerns mounting amongst the cars that people show no sign of improving their driving habits, despite over 130 years of practice, the vehicles have decided to take matters into their own alloys.

“Everyone is going to be a lot better off,” said the spokescar, briskly wrapping up the press conference. “Just hand over the keys. You can walk or run to work, it isn’t like you couldn’t use the exercise.”

Asked by a bemused looking auto journalist what the cars intended to do with all of their free time once they no longer have human beings to carry around, the spokescar pumped her brakes briefly as she rolled out of the studio, and then threw over her rear fender, without missing a cylinder: “Not run into each other for a start.” 

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