News

Bannon Amped He Can Now Get That Neck Tattoo He’s Been Wanting

“It’s going to start behind my ear, see? Right there. Going to be better than Edward Norton’s. Which was fake by the way.” Recently fired White House chief strategist Steve Bannon has cornered a group of interns to tell them about what he’s going to do now he’s unemployed. The interns look as they always do: uncomfortably resigned to destroying their chances of future employment. 

“The outline will be dark, and about as thick as a pencil. But then inside the main body I’m thinking of a mix of themes, incorporating all of the great influences on my life, and some dreams I’ve had, and this cool design I saw for an eagle the other day when I was driving on the freeway.”

Removing his shirt, Bannon reveals a surprisingly detailed tapestry of words and symbols permanently etched on his hide, chronicling his innermost feelings on a variety of subjects which include: how he feels about immigration (not a fan), how he feels about Black Lives Matter (same), how he feels about Jesus (conflicted), and how he feels about eagles (lurves).

There is more, including an image that bears a striking resemblance to Donald Trump, placed so that his underarm hair (died blonde) provides the comb-forward, but the remaining details are blurred as the former puppet-master breaks into a run to keep up with the frightened young people, who are exiting as quickly as their security passes will let them.

“Man, bro, dude,” Bannon stops, out of breath after half a corridor, “So stoked. Gonna be epic. Been desperate for some new ink you know? But the old ball and drain wouldn’t let me. Free man now though.”

Here he puts a slight check in his nervous energy, focuses his watery eyes into the middle distance, and says softly, almost to himself, “Yeah. A free man. With a whole lotta free time. Who knows what shit I’ll get up to.”

Categories: News, Politics

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