Life

Decadent Yet Practical, Deep-Fried Defibrillators Fly Off The Shelves At CNE

CNEJimmy is busy. A lineup starts at his kiosk (Jimmy’s Infarction’s, an institution at the annual CNE which proudly flashes its slogan out into the boisterous night: ‘Bypass your arteries, not our stand’) and winds through the streets of Toronto to St. Michael’s hospital, where many of his customers return with expedience once they’ve saturated themselves in his trans-fat saturated wares. 

“What we do is we take a solution, we wrap it in a problem, and then we deep fry it and sell it to you for $1500,” says Jimmy, matter-of-factly as he rings through another order of 4 deep-fried defibrillators. “That’ll be $6780 with tax. Do you want a bag?”

While the Ex has made news in recent years for selling such outrageous food items as candied Kevin Pillar catches, and cupcakes topped with Drake’s toe-nail clippings, this year’s entry has struck many as heralding a return to more austere tastes.

“I think it’s a sign that folks are really starting to think about their health,” says Crisco spokesperson Matt Bigly. “Sure, people still come down here to have a good time, ride the rides, and eat until they see their lives flash before their eyes. But now they’re also starting to think ‘hang on a second. How far am I from a resuscitation device? Who here knows CPR? How long is the current waiting list for a heart transplant?’ So, when they discover there is a dish available down here whose main ingredient is a functioning defibrillator, well, it just makes sense to get two of them.” 

 

 

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