The Boston Red Sox today admitted assistant chewing tobacco coach Buck Shea utilized advanced yoga techniques and an innate ability to lie flat, to pretend to be the pitching mound in ‘at least two dozen games’ over the course of this major league season.
“This is something Shea undertook, on his own, without any knowledge from anyone else in our organization,” said Boston manager John Farrell. “Including when, during a game against the Yankees, after a particularly vicious spell of digging into his ribs from pitcher Luis Severino, he had to take a brief breather while he walked it off, and cried when I told him to get his ass back out there.”
Saying that in any event this is all part of baseball, Farrell pointed to the 1972 Cubs, who substituted live albino hamsters with allergies to wood in for the official baseballs when they were pitching; and the ’63 Dodgers who were known to dig tunnels between first and third base between innings with ice cream scoops, getting rid of the dirt by wadding it in their cheeks, which led to their forever being known as the Dodgy Dirt Dodgers. A moniker which still makes Tommy Lasorda want to drown those who repeat it in a vat of his health shake; and which led him, for many years, to greet visiting reporters with a simple question: “Chocolate or vanilla?”
“Yep, all part of the grand old game.” Farrell drawls while pulling a graciously smiling Mookie Betts out of a top hat with a flourish. The star outfielder then rounds off into a backflip and turns into Big Papi armed with a t-shirt cannon. The crowd goes wild.