Business

Apple Announces New iPhone Will Be A Landline And People Will Just Have To Fucking Wait

justchill
In a stripped-down ceremony this morning in Cupertino, California, Tim Cook – wearing his trademark shirt that isn’t a turtleneck, and pants that aren’t jeans – revealed Apple’s latest mobile phone to an anxiously awaiting world. And it was not mobile. 

“I present to you,” the CEO of Apple announced to a hushed room of tier-one candidates for internet-addiction rehab, “the landline.” In a dramatic moment sure to be looked back on as seminal by future sociologists, Cook then held aloft a black rotary dial phone for all to see.

Then, unperturbed by the complete lack of audible reaction from the shocked crowd – you could have heard a stylus drop – listed its many features:

“As you can see it is black. It has a cord. And it can make phone calls. Available applications are: calling people, twisting the cord around your hand while speaking, and hanging up with great satisfaction on telemarketers who call during the supper hour.”

The astonished gathering of tech aficionados and industry insiders were initially unsure what to make of the announcement, coming as they had expecting to be presented with Apple’s 10th anniversary iPhone X, rumoured to have an OLED screen and be so lightweight and well-crafted as to be able to take the last five minutes you have left in your day and fill it with high-definition images of the life you would be able to lead if you would just get off your phone. 

Slowly though, the possibilities dawned on the gathering.

“So people have to call you directly? Which means you could just ignore them?” Asked one reporter from Wired.com. “What happens if you aren’t near the phone? What do you mean, ‘they just have to call you back later’? I don’t understand. But I think I might love it.”

By mid-morning California time, word had spread that Apple has once again created a paradigm shift in the way we communicate. Back to the way we used to communicate: in small, manageable doses, with limited expectations and equally limited intrusions into our head space and lives in general.

While actual sales figures will remain to be seen (eBay already reported brisk trade in old Western Tech model 500’s, undercutting Apple’s new/old product by $980) a strange sound was heard rippling across civilization as the news reached the public. It was a sigh of relief. Followed by a distant jangling; one that could just be ignored. 

 

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