Sports

Kevin Pillar Won’t Rule Out Returning Next Season As A Fallen Roman General

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Actual photo of Kevin Pillar at a toga party.

In an odd press conference following last night’s loss to the Baltimore Orioles, Blue Jays center fielder Kevin Pillar – best known for his complicated relationship with gravity and hurtful slurs – revealed he is considering returning next season as the disgraced general of the Roman army.

“My name is Maximus Pillarus, player for the Blue Jays of the North, leader of the outer fields, loyal servant to the true manager, John Gibbons, or whoever replaces him. Member of a losing team, currently ten games below .500. And I will have my vengeance. Not this season, but hopefully the next.”

While many have privately wondered if Kevin is, in fact, the bust of an ancient Roman come to life, this was the first time the Jays’ star fielder has addressed the rumours directly.

“While I am not in any way Roman, it can’t be denied that in certain lights, especially when I’ve let my beard grow out to a healthy length,  I do bear a striking resemblance to Italy’s predecessors. It’s my feeling that it is time I embraced that, and Russell Crowe can eat his heart out.”

Turning to leave, Pillar stopped and looked out over the sea of gathered reporters, most of whom were messing around on Twitter. After staring into the middle distance for a lengthy spell, he issued forth to a room that was by then half empty:

“Remember ladies and gentlemen, what we do in the Skydome, echoes in the Roger’s centre.”

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