Tentative negotiations between a UN-endorsed delegation and the DPRK ended abruptly today, when Fearless Leader Kim Jong-Un insisted that all present agree that Eminem is the uncontested greatest hip-hop artist of all time.
“The man is out of his mind,” said Nikki Haley, US Ambassador to the United Nations, and leader of the diplomatic contingent in Beijing, where the (extremely brief) talks were held. “Ignoring the legacy of Notorious B.I.G. like that? Not to mention blowing straight past Jay-Z, Nas, and Kendrick Lamar? Please. That young man is going to have to show some respect.”
At this junction Marc-Andre Blanchard, head of the Canadian delegation, respectfully submitted that Drake be at least somewhere in Ms. Haley’s statement of rebuttal. He and the US representative then disappeared behind closed doors to discuss the pros and cons of the popular Toronto musician, emerging some hours later with NAFTA in tatters.
For his part DJ Nuklear (as the North Korean dictator has taken to calling himself) was unrepentant. “They best recognize,” he said, before listing Eminem’s many accomplishments and extolling the inner art of 8-Mile, ending with the absurd proposal that both the ’02 movie, and its self-acting star Marshall Mathers III, should have received Academy awards.
“This man, Eminem. He is like me. A white kid from the streets of Detroit, raised with nothing, considered a fool for only receiving 12 national holidays a year named after him. The world sees him as a grave threat and wishes he would shut up and get a job. Then he starts rapping and sells more albums than any other hip-hop artist ever and saves his people from poverty and isolation and gets a parade that lasts for eight months. But that last part is just me.”
As the UN delegation departed Beijing, disconsolate at having come up against the immovable force of Jong-Un’s musical ignorance, the DPRK leader sent a brief but provocative text to Ms. Haley.
“Eminem is GOAT. Step up or step off. Cause I came to drop bombs.”