Saying that the little-visited, but oft-referenced, atoll in the South Pacific had been vacant for over six months, China today moved its navy to surround The Moral High Ground Islands, left untended by the United States since mid-January of this year.
“It is completely overgrown with weeds, the small airstrip has holes in it, and most of the high ground is submerged under brackish water that smells like old spinach and jingoism,” was the initial report provided by the Chinese sortie, who made the first known landing on the atoll in 2017.
The White House was quick to respond.
“If those thieving, lying, red commies think they can just go and take our God-given Moral High Ground, they have got another thing coming,” said Sarah Huckabee Sanders, staring straight into the lens of the camera at a midday briefing in which charts of the South Pacific were handed out, with the high ground in question circled in red. “Like a large bomb for example. Or a hot-air balloon full of CNN reporters. Hah.”
“Make no mistake,” Huckabee-Sanders continued, squinting like Clint Eastwood when he forgot his reading glasses but he’s trying to read the menu dangit, “We will not rest until we have that land back in our possession, and China has admitted it was ours all along, and what were they thinking they are the bad guys and we are the good guys and that’s the way the good book tells it amen.”
The atoll, which is part of a once-vast archipelago that has since been submerged by rising sea levels, is unusual in that the bulk of its two-square kilometre mass is only exposed at low tide, when the diurnal currents of geopolitics swing back towards war, and powerful men reduce citizens of other nations to simple, terrible words. Like ‘destroy’ and ‘totally.’
“Yes, it’s true, this is new territory for us,” said Xi Jinping, President of the People’s Republic of China, looking more than a little surprised to find himself occupying The Moral High Ground. “But we like it. It suits us just fine. And if Donald Trump wants it back, he’s going to have to discuss that civilly with us. So I expect we’re going to be for quite some time.”