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Cleveland Browns Announce Free Knee Pads To First 5000 Fans At Tomorrow’s Game

FirstEnergy-Stadium
Saying they expect the majority of their fans and players will want to spend a significant portion of tomorrow’s pre-game in a kneeling position, the Cleveland Browns today announced that they intend to make this as comfortable a protest as possible for the first 5000 fans to arrive at the stadium.

‘I wish we could give everyone a pad,” says the team’s general manager Sashi Brown, “But unfortunately this was as many as our supplier could provide on such short notice. So we’re advising everyone to bring a couch cushion or heavy sweater that can be rolled up and placed under the knee, just in case you aren’t one of the first 5000 people to get down to the stadium. We don’t want anyone getting sore out there.”

Following Donald Trump airing his deep abhorrence of people standing up (or kneeling) for what they believe in, much of America is now expected to join a protest which up until now has been largely on the sidelines. 

“I was fairly ambivalent about it all before,” said a man with two unopened beer cans strapped to his head (‘locked and loaded for tomorrow’ he explains) as he enters an Columbus, Ohio Walmart to stock up on essentials. “Being a white dude and all. But as soon as I saw that Trump couldn’t stand folks trying to draw attention to an important social justice issue, I knew I had to join in.”

Some medical professionals have expressed concern that if as many Americans kneel as some are expecting (estimates as high as 325 million have been fielded, with visiting tourists accounting for that figure outstripping the current US population) an epidemic of hernias and slipped discs are very likely. But the consensus remains that it will be worth it to stick it to the man. 

“A lot of people in this country haven’t knelt since the Nixon administration,” says Deuce Bigalow, a chiropractor in New Jersey, and erstwhile male jigalo. “Expect to hear joints popping, groans emitting, and yes I would say mass flatulence is highly likely as well.”

When this is related to Sashi Brown, he chuckles to himself for awhile; his laughter eventually tailing off into a thoughtful stare out the window of his large office, down into the vast bowl of First Energy Stadium. “Y’know,” he says almost wistfully, “Maybe that sort of sums up the whole country right now. A grand old girl coming to grips with the fact that if she doesn’t start pushing herself to do things that aren’t comfortable, to do things that are hard, she might not be able to in a few years.” He snaps his gaze back to a visiting reporter.

“It’s going to be a good game. Be sure to get there nice and early. I suspect the biggest play is going to happen before kick-off.”

 

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