The angry voices of millions of irate Americans, angered at having to face their personal biases and national moral failings on the weekend now, as well as during the week, have been heard: a new ‘non-political’ football league has been created. The NPFL.
“The Non-Political Football League will be entirely without politics,” says the hastily appointed commissioner of the NPFL, Newt Gingrinch. “Players will be banned from having opinions on anything whatsoever, and to ensure compliance will sign binding agreements and have their mouths taped shut at all times, including in the locker rooms.”
In the league’s first scheduled game this Sunday afternoon, the Miami ‘Mericans are scheduled to host the Texas Rebels at a location yet to be determined, with players that have yet to be named, likely because – as numerous reports have suggested – absolutely no one wants to play in the new league.
“That is the single dumbest idea I’ve ever heard,” said one star running back in the NFL, who asked that his name be withheld for fear that this new distraction would further eclipse Colin Kaepernick’s original protest. “Did Trump come up with that? Sarah Palin? Who’s behind this? Oh Newt. He was my next guess. I knew it was a white person, that much was obvious.”
With promises to play the American anthem after every play, allow only registered US voters entry to games, and ban those who identify as transgender from even speaking its name, the upstart league has confused many by seeming to be, in actual fact, extremely political. Gingrich addressed these concerns from atop a bald eagle while eating an apple pie.
“That isn’t politics,” he said through a large mouthful of ice cream and grandma’s finest, referring to the mutant nationalism the league is setting out to encourage. “That’s ‘Merica. What isn’t ‘Merica are sports stars not falling in step with ‘Merica just because they feel they have a centuries-old grievance that isn’t being addressed. That’s somewhere else. Canada maybe. Have you ever watched a CFL game? Mostly hugging, with the occasional tickle party. It’s not ‘Merican I can tell you that much. What we are about is brute force and the total subjugation of the black man, and myself and millions of Americans feel our sports should reflect that.”
In addition to the teams playing Sunday, the league announced that it will include four other franchises: the Seattle Status-Quos, the Cincinnati Stay-In-Yer-Laners, the Washington Whitewashers, and the Omaha Ol’ Glories. All games have been advertised as open-carry.