Politics

Panicked Andrew Scheer Appears With New Beard, Tailored Suit, And Stylish Turban

“I’m just getting back to the real me,” said Andrew Scheer as he made his way up the steps to the House of Commons this morning in Ottawa, running his fingers through his three day growth of facial hair, adjusting his cravat, and checking his matching turban was in place before entering the hall where today Canada will welcome the first non-white leader of a major national party, Jagmeet Singh.

“Wearing a turban and three-piece tailored suits has always been a part of who I am,” Scheer explained to a bemused media scrum. “This isn’t new, and anyone who tells you it is obviously isn’t getting our campaign message of: Love, oil, and fiscal responsibility. Love, oil, and fiscal responsibility, say it with me folks.” Two passing tourists from Regina made an attempt at picking up the chant, but struggled to synchronize the final eight syllables, and tapered off into asking if anyone knew if there was a bathroom nearby.

With many pundits wondering if Scheer can grow a decent beard in time to save his party from political obscurity, the Conservative Party of Canada was quick to release a statement on Monday morning saying that they are really cool too, citing Michele Rempels new ping-pong table in her basement, and Tony Clement’s famous karaoke competitions, which he always wins with his mean rendition of the Vengaboys’ We Like To Party.

“While Mr. Singh may indeed be the first non-white leader of a national party for this great nation,” Scheer said as checked his fob watch, “He isn’t the first hip and happening guy to grace these halls as man on the scene. That would be JT, obvs. But many have said I’m a close second there. No I don’t have any sources on that I’m sorry.”

Saying that was enough jiving for today, Scheer bid a hasty good bye to the assembled ‘cats,’ shouting his new slogan over his shoulder as he adjusted his shoulder satchel and headed into the House of Commons. 

“Love, oil, and fiscal responsibility. Say it with me folks. Tar sands and tax cuts, ah yeah.”

 

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