In the first substantive effort to prevent another mass shooting from occurring in the United States, Donald Trump acted swiftly today, calling for a ban on all travel within the U.S. for residents of Mesquite, Nevada.
“I can tell you there was at least one bad hombre from there,” Trump said, as he lobbed boxes of Kleenex at the grieving citizens of Las Vegas, in a mid-morning press conference held in a city still reeling from the worst mass shooting in United States’ history.
“Making America safe is my number two priority,” the president said, “after ratings. Which are the highest ever let me tell you. Quick story, you’ll love this. Kid comes up to me the other day and says you know what I want to be when I grow up Mr. President? I say no kid, me? Kid says no sir. The guy who builds your wall. Isn’t that great? Isn’t it? Ok so back to this little problem we have here. No more people from Mesquite. It’s simple. Problem solved. You’re welcome.”
When it was pointed out that there is more than one town in America called Mesquite, and in fact the shooter had lived in two of them, the president unilaterally extended his travel ban to all towns named Mesquite, saying it was only fair, and that he had to do something.
“What I think is going to work, and I think you’ll find I’m right about this, is legalizing silencers, which are actually called suppressors did you know that? And, hear me out, and banning Mesquiters – isn’t that what people in Alabama call more than one mosquito?- banning those people from moving about the country freely. Clearly there’s a fundamental problem with how people from there see the world. So we aren’t going to let them in. Any further then they already are.”
Reaction to the ban, which is effective immediately, was predictably partisan, with Fox News calling the ban the most sensible approach to the gun debate heard in years, and CNN anchors shaking their heads in grim silence through three commercial breaks.