“Let me put it this way. Any possible issue you are currently worried about is now just a few days away from being atomized,” The Grim Reaper asteroid, yet to be detected by an underfunded NASA, says as it slides its 1500 km wide mass of solid nickel through the Kuiper Belt of our solar system, entering its final approach to rendering all of earth’s problems as hypotheticals. “Yes. It is safe to say you can spend next month’s rent money.”
“First I’m going to make global temperatures rise by about a thousand degrees in 1.2 seconds,” the asteroid clinically explains as it silently rotates on its axis like the giant missile of final reckoning it is, “and then I’m going to descend what’s left of the planet into a 10,000 year winter. Unless you’re a cockroach – and I mean a real one, not a political metaphor – you don’t need to worry about your Halloween costume, or which world leader is the orangest, or who gets the last word in an unexpectedly heated comment thread about croquet etiquette. Read my fissures: You’re all currently enjoying your last Tuesday. Ever.”
Saying it isn’t something he takes any particular pleasure in – ‘just what we do, nothing personal’ – The OG, as he asked to be called saying Grim Reaper sounded too agrarian, pointed out that he too was facing total destruction.
“But much like y’all, I’d say my time has come.”
Despite repeated questioning the asteroid refused to disclose the exact point he expected to make impact on our blue planet, beginning to sound as exasperated as 500 billion tons of solid metal can.
“Look, I know its in the nature of your highly curious species to ask a lot of questions, but I think you’re missing the point. I am going to strike earth’s surface with enough force to permanently alter its orbit to somewhere just aft of Venus, in the process melding myself to the planet’s molten core in a fiery display that no one is going to see because you will all have been either atomized or vaporized, depending on where on the planet you happened to be when I hit. I will literally erase everything, including the very words ‘erase’ and ‘everything’ themselves. Why does it matter to you how close to the White House I think I might get?”
Asked for his thoughts on North Korea, global warming, whether kittens should ever be declawed, lease versus buy, and Liam Gallagher’s new solo album, the world-ender was sanguine.
“Let me give you the killer asteroid view on everything: I really wouldn’t worry about it. Now if you don’t mind, I have some hurtling to do.”