On the first Friday the 13th since Donald Trump took the oath of office ten-of-the-longest-months in recorded history ago, the most infamous day of the calendar is reportedly going to give everyone a free pass because: “Shit is already pretty messed.”
“A lot has changed,” Dirty T – as he’s known amongst the less feared days of the year – said, casting an appraising eye over the globe as it rotated its dateline into the sun, kicking off what would normally be a tumultuous day of accidents, missteps, and career-ending mistakes for the inhabitants of earth.
‘Sure, the world wasn’t exactly a well-ordered row of sunflowers when last I showed up in January. But now. Jeezus. What the hell is going on down here? How am I supposed to make things any worse for a day? Its a spiralling disaster from week to week.”
While admitting that ruining his reputation was definitely a concern, Thirteen was quick to add that he also didn’t want to be seen to be “throwing kerosene on a dumpster fire in a munitions depot in North Korea while live tweeting.”
“So Imma give y’all a buy on this one. Maybe stir up some light trouble with your pets, erase a laptop or two, and make a couple of wallets disappear. But no majors ok? Just so long as you promise when I come back in April you’ll have gotten your collective shit together, enough that I can get back to ruining your day without it already having been a bust to begin with.”