Life

In Rare Show Of Compassion, Friday The 13th Offers To Take It Easy This Time Around

On the first Friday the 13th since Donald Trump took the oath of office ten-of-the-longest-months in recorded history ago, the most infamous day of the calendar is reportedly going to give everyone a free pass because: “Shit is already pretty messed.”

“A lot has changed,” Dirty T – as he’s known amongst the less feared days of the year – said, casting an appraising eye over the globe as it rotated its dateline into the sun, kicking off what would normally be a tumultuous day of accidents, missteps, and career-ending mistakes for the inhabitants of earth.

‘Sure, the world wasn’t exactly a well-ordered row of sunflowers when last I showed up in January. But now. Jeezus. What the hell is going on down here? How am I supposed to make things any worse for a day? Its a spiralling disaster from week to week.”

While admitting that ruining his reputation was definitely a concern, Thirteen was quick to add that he also didn’t want to be seen to be “throwing kerosene on a dumpster fire in a munitions depot in North Korea while live tweeting.”

“So Imma give y’all a buy on this one. Maybe stir up some light trouble with your pets, erase a laptop or two, and make a couple of wallets disappear. But no majors ok? Just so long as you promise when I come back in April you’ll have gotten your collective shit together, enough that I can get back to ruining your day without it already having been a bust to begin with.”

 

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